Baptism Testimony
31 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
I have always been a spiritual person who has been seeking to find answers to life’s eternal questions. Unfortunately, I took many wrong turnings on my journey and instead of finding the answers, that I sought I ended up with more questions than I started out with.
Heavily into the occult, I was attuned into reiki healing, following the religion of witchcraft, dabbling in spiritualism and tarot readings and getting more lost and depressed as time went on.
I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder and phobic anxiety, eventually becoming a prisoner in my own home.
I have always been a survivor and took part in numerous therapies in my fight to get better. These processes uncovered reasons for my need to “search for answers” and for ways to fill tthe “missing part”, which I always felt inside of me. The psychological finger pointed towards my past negative life experiences, which included mental, physical and sexual abuse; rape and a life imprisoned under the tyrannical eye of an abusive husband.
By now I was ‘acting out’, full of anger and self-hatred. I have an addictive personality and by then I had developed OCD. The perfectionist in my tried to control everyone and everything around me in order that nobody would EVER control ME again. Eventually (due to lack of activity because of my reclusive lifestyle and binge-eating) I gained weight and turned to alcohol to try to get through life.
My drinking got out of control and my husband was at a loss as to what to do to make me stop. It was then, in a place of total despair, that I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. In the rooms of AA I found the things that I know now I was looking for; empathy; understanding; acceptance; people who actually listened and – most importantly, I found God!
I acknowledged that I could not be in control of everything – and, even though it was really hard for me, I handed everything over to Him. The relief of not having to try to control everything was immense, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.I gave up all occult activities after being led to “Deuteronomy 18″ in the Bible, which says; “do not let your people practice fortune telling, or use sorcery, or engage in witchcraft, or cast spells, or function as mediums or psychics, or call forth the spirits of the dead. Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord.” And I removed all of the occult books and paraphernalia from my home, I repented of my sins and accepted God into my heart. The Bible said that the things that I had been doing were abhorrent to God, which really made me determined to stay away from them totally.
This Baptism is a public declaration of my love and gratefulness. I know that I am safe in his hands and that my fears and anxieties fade when He is in control. I am ready to bury my old, fearful, reclusive, sinful life and to be reborn into a life of love and hope.
Those of you who have seen me struggle will be able to appreciate what an amazing statement that is, for me to make. But God is great, and nothing is too hard for Him.
I may not have the love and support of an earthly father, but I DO have a Father in Heaven who loves me and will NEVER abandon me. He is The King of Kings and as his daughter, I can now walk with my head held high, I no longer have to cast my eyes towards the ground or drink alcohol before I leave my house, to give me false confidence – because I DO matter and I AM loved – unconditionally!!!
First Love
31 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
in My Poetry
This is a poem I wrote about my abusive first marriage. I am now happy. I hope that this poem will help other women who are going through domestic violence to see that they can get away and they can find happiness again.
First Love.
In desperate need of affection – he held me, and innocently I cared,
for his loneliness, I felt so sad when his heart to me he bared.
He fixed my eyes with his and whispered that he was in love with me,
I felt only gratitude – what an easy target I must have seemed to be.
I didn’t meet the other him until Id handed over my soul -
which, he’d too quickly snatched away, for that had been his goal.
I wanted to share his life, that went without doubt,
but I wondered where the “sweet” him went,when the mad man he let out.
Good times went forever when he took exception to something I had said.
Just to prove he was master, he hit me throwing me down upon the bed.
Holding me still with his body weight he pinned my arms above my head,
his nose to mine, he spat in my face after each word that he said.
The excuse he gave for his behaviour was “because he loved me so”,
to the boardroom lunch that caused jealousy, I promised not to go.
His violence began to horrify me, he’d become frighteningly perverse.
no pride left I’d sunk so low, that it could get no worse.
When his snake-like eyes burned with fire, there was nothing I could do;
as those familiar flames grew higher, i’d suffer, without a doubt i knew.
By then an expert at disappearing, I’d retreat to the “silent-world” again,
the world that hid my eyes and ears, and numbed me from feeling pain.
He’d swear at me hatefully, I was tired and felt so very old,
I’d try my best, but couldn’t get right ALL that I was told.
He couldn’t stop himself hurting me, it was all so very sad.…
he needed me like a little child; for he was truly mad.
He hit me one too many times somehow unbalancing the wall -
the chain of fear seemed to disappear, as bricks began to fall!!
My terror transferred to thoughts of maybe “not getting out alive”,
somewhere inside me a spark caught light – I was determined to survive.
Then, the domino effect began, and swung open the prison gate..
I knew I had to make a run for it before it was too late.
Any feelings I had left for him vanished at the same time as the chain…
I was sure though, deep inside, Id always hold the pain.
If only those countless times in “the other world” I could recall,
I’d be able to cut the strings which, it seems, he still can pull.
for until I can remember what he did to me in hell,
I’ll never be rid of his stinking ghost – which I can always smell.
I’ve tried to get on with my life but I never get it right,
as far as people are concerned, I have defective sight.
If someone harmful needs my help,
I’ll rush quickly to their side -
and, despite my own fear of the water – with them I’ll lay down in the tide!
by freya lee
